Joke book for me

I got the Joke book from Dirty Santa....now you get the jokes.

On a Saturday morning, three boys come down to the kitchen and sit around the table. Their mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat.
'I want f***** french toast!,' he says.
The mother is ouraged, slaps him, and sends him upstairs.
She asks the second boy what he wants.
'I guess that leaves more f****** French toast for me,' he says.
He gets whacked and sent away.
She looks at the third boy.
'I don't really know, but I definitely don't want the f****** French Toast!'

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing. His eyes are glazed.
The other guy takes out his cell & calls 911.
'My friend is dead! What can I do?'
911 asks him to calm down, they will assist.
'First, let's make sure he is dead.'


After a short silence, there is a gunshot.


Guy returns to the phone.......


'OK, now what?'

On a pasenger flight, the pilot comes over the PA to greet passengers. He tells them current info, arrival time, weather and to enjoy the flight.
Forgetting to turn the PA off, he tells the co-pilot, "I would really like right now is a cup of coffee and a BJ."
Everyone hears it.
A stewardess runs from the back of the plane to turn off the PA.


This happens during Overspray's only flight to the Classic.


He yells to her, "Don't foget the coffee!"

Charles only flew so he could have a quick getaway after talking with the editor of VW Trends, that's what I heard...

Quick getaway !!! hell you should know there is nothing quick about those freeways...took longer to get to the air port from the show than the trip from Gawga !

I remember Jones calling me on Thursday, the day of the Nick's/DKP/High horsepower VW deal, and saying you guys were in gridlock on either the 10 or the 405....and everybody coming down to my house and driving the Collection around... still have the photo of the BKC guys sticking out of the sunroof and safari windows of the 21 window...
Good times !!!
and I think it was you that got the ride from HotVWs to Nick's in the Oval, wasn't it? We drove right by the place the first time, I was so used to it being at the Dairy Queen, I got lost....
I also remember walking by the "meeting" between the BKC and a certain Magazine editor, and thought "That's a good place for me to stay away from right now, if I want to stay working for the people I'm working for"....

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
He says to the patrons,"Here's the deal, I'll open this gators mouth and insert my genitals. The gator will close his mouth for one minute ,
then open it, and I'll remove my privates unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me a drink."
The crowd, which includes Mr. Clean, readily agrees.
The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gators' mouth. The gator closes his mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle, breaks it over the
gators head. Gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed.
Everyone buys him drinks.
"I'll pay $100 dollars to anyone else willing to try it!"
A few moments later a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
A blond steps forward, "I'll try, just promise you don't hit me with the beer bottle."

Dave wrote:I remember Jones calling me on Thursday, the day of the Nick's/DKP/High horsepower VW deal, and saying you guys were in gridlock on either the 10 or the 405....and everybody coming down to my house and driving the Collection around... still have the photo of the BKC guys sticking out of the sunroof and safari windows of the 21 window...
Good times !!!
and I think it was you that got the ride from HotVWs to Nick's in the Oval, wasn't it? We drove right by the place the first time, I was so used to it being at the Dairy Queen, I got lost....
I also remember walking by the "meeting" between the BKC and a certain Magazine editor, and thought "That's a good place for me to stay away from right now, if I want to stay working for the people I'm working for"....

That was Good Times.... and yes I'm one of the ones in the 21 window and was a pass in an oval.... Nicks is the shit !
We were nice to that Magazine Editor.. but I still think he soiled himself !

Tanbug wrote:A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
He says to the patrons,"Here's the deal, I'll open this gators mouth and insert my genitals. The gator will close his mouth for one minute ,
then open it, and I'll remove my privates unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me a drink."
The crowd, which includes Mr. Clean, readily agrees.
The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gators' mouth. The gator closes his mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle, breaks it over the
gators head. Gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed.
Everyone buys him drinks.
"I'll pay $100 dollars to anyone else willing to try it!"
A few moments later a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
A blond steps forward, "I'll try, just promise you don't hit me with the beer bottle."

A guy is sitting in a bar when a great looking woman comes over to him.
He's really excited, but is quick to figure out that she is a hooker.
"Hey, handsome. Want to play a game? I'll do anything you want for $300, just say those three magic words."
He thinks for a minute, takes out his wallet and places $300 on the bar.
"Paint my house."

The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

John, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
John said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Mike, how would you say it?'

Mike said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, Bill, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Bill said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...

sounds just like me to have such good manners.