Joke book for me

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one of them is bitten on the ass by a rattlesnake.
The other guy calls 911.
Since they were so far out, 911 gets a doctor on the line.
"Here's how to treat the bite. Take a knife, cut a little X at the wound, squeeze and suck out the poison."


He closes his phone, and turns to his friend, "They're sending an abulance."

Two guys are fishing on a lake.
First guy reels in his line and finds out he snagged an old bottle. As he pulls the hook off, a genie pops and grants him one wish.
"Turn the lake into beer!"
POOF...and the lake is turned into beer.
"Woo hoo, how about that?"

The other guy is not impressed, "Dumbass, now we gotta' piss in the boat."

Dick and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. Dick is about to putt when he sees a long funeral
procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid swing, removes his hat, and bows his head.
His friend is stunned, and commeds him on his thoughtfulness and kindness.

Dick says, "Yeah, well, we were married for 25 years."

OH !!!! that was cold...

PART TWO

After hearing what Dick said about his wife, he had to ask how she passed.
"Well, it's like this. After 24 years, Jane wants to learn how to play golf. After a lot of nagging, I finally give in. Get her a set of clubs, and a few basic lessons,
we go out. First, I have to explain how the ladies' tee is ahead of the mens', and she should wait there until I tee off. That's where things got bad. I sliced my tee shot,
and hit her right in the back of the head. She dropped like a rock in water. I dialed 911, and the paramedics arrived within minutes. They declared her dead on the spot.
After about a 20 minute exam, the medic came over to ask about the accident."
"We are clear about the cause of death, golf ball to the back of the head," the medic explained, "we are trying to explain the second golf ball in her ass."

Dick was confused, "I hit a mulligan."

Obama is walking on the beach in Hawaii when he sees a bottle in the sand. Picks it up, what the heck, gives it a rub.
A genie pops out and grants him one wish.
"Well, we have this mess in the middle east. This map shows the areas that I want to fix."
The genie says, "No way....I'm from the middle east and this crap has been going on for a long time. Do you have another wish?"
"Absolutely!" Obama replies, "Our economy is screwed, Wall Street is in the toilet, and the Big 3 are going under. Can you fix them?"
The genie starts rubbing his hands together and says: "Let me see that map again."

Thanks Tan!